In 8 days, I will turn 29. Ouch. When I was 10 and still pretending that I was married to Ryne Sandberg (and that my name was Julie), I thought that 23 was old. In my little kid mind, 23 was the age that I would get married. 24 was when I would have my first kid. I would live in suburbia and raise my family and have the perfect life.
When I turned 23, I was going through a battery of medical tests. It was obvious that I couldn't meet my goals. There were other things going on. Or so that was my excuse.
When I turned 25, I had just moved to the city and I was discovering my singleton-self and enjoying life on my own. Or so that was my excuse.
When I turned 27, I was sad. My mom had me when she was 27 and I was wondering when I was going to catch up and get back on pace. I thought that it would all come together.
Now, I am brinking on 29 and I am still clueless. I look at my life and part of me is thrilled by what I have done and part of me is in a constant state of "wonder ifs."
I wonder if my college boyfriend and I had married. I wonder if I had gone to grad school after I graduated. I wonder if I had seen him for what he was instead of pretending he was nothing more than a transition. I wonder if I didn't let fear rule me. I wonder if I put $20 in my savings account each week. I wonder if I stayed home a bit longer. I wonder if I went to Consumer Economics class and learned how to budget and balance my checkbook. I wonder if it would be different if I had the courage to close the gap and take the risk.
I wonder where I would be. There are very few things in life that I regret. I choose to believe that everything in life is a lesson learned for the future. However, I regret that I lack courage to act on my feelings. I wish that I could just act instead of worrying about the outcome and the ramifications. I wish that I believed in myself a bit more. That I could say, I like you and want to be with you, without thinking that the other person would laugh at me. I wish that I could be as strong as I pretend that I am.
In 8 days, I turn 29. I wonder if I will have the strength to do something about it.
1 comment:
Hon, just by writing an honest post like that shows that you have the guts to "act on your feelings and be true to yourself." seriously. every weekend you see people making bigger fools of themselves than you will ever me. Go for it!
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