My apartment looks like a tornado went through it and all I am left with is clutter, piles of laundry (clean and folded, just never seem to get it put away) and recycling. For a long stretch, I was coming home, changing clothes and bags and leaving again. Never really getting a moment of quiet. And in aiming for the quiet and, let's be honest, my tivo, I have stayed up later and later these days.
And none of this sounds like a problem, I realize, but in a way it is. Because, as busy as I have been, as much fun as I have had and as many stories I now have to tell, there is still something missing.
A long time ago, my best friend talked to me about my lack of dating and she asked me if I was lonely. And I, in my single snobbery, laughed her off (she has always been a serial monogamist) and told her boldly that I wasn't. I had family and friends and an apartment and a job I loved and no curfew and I was free to do what I wanted and all was great. What more could a person want?
And yet, the older I get and the more cynical I become (and I hate that I am in fact becoming a bit cynical), the more I realize that I am lonely. I am surrounded by wonderful people and yet I don't have that person. And while the feminist in me refuses to define myself by another, the romantic in me knows that another only enhances my self.
Slowly but surely, all the people in my life are finding their missing piece and more and more the invitations are piling up. And I love it. I love that the people most important to me are finding happiness. I just wish I knew how to find it for myself. Better yet, I wish I knew how to find it.
I know, I know. I written this all before. I just wonder when I am going to stop writing it.
And in case you are wondering what I have done since I last wrote, here it is...
- Attended 8 Cubs games (including my first playoff game, which was gut wrenching - though I still cried a bit when they presented the flag).
- Attended my first college football game in seventeen years.
- Attended my first Bears game in the new stadium, as well as my first home opener and my first tailgate.
- Celebrated my 31st birthday (or, as I like to call it, "the 10th Anniversary of my 21st Birthday").
- Attended 2 weddings - 1 in Vermont, which led to my first trip there, as well as my first trip to Boston.
- Celebrated multitudinous birthdays - including Nat's, which involved a hula hoop and pin the tail on the donkey.
- Paid off the computer on which I am currently writing.
- Watched almost 2 seasons of Without a Trace from Netflix - obsessed with it as Jen is obsessed with The Wire.
- Lost the dog that I have had since I was 13. (That was heartbreaking).
- Tried to negotiate Ken Griffey Jr. coming to the Cubs - offered him $10,000, a box of Cracker Jacks, a Super Rope and a place to stay while he was getting settled in Chicago. This was while I was sitting first row for the first time at the Cubs game.
- Met a few potential guys who never called. (That is a post in and of itself).
- Dealt Texas Hold 'Em at a charity Casino Night.
- Finally watched (and subsequently returned to Netflix) The Illusionist, which I had at home since March 6. That might be my new record for slacking on a movie. (By the way, it was a great movie!)
- Bought my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding and only cried a little.
And when that was all said and done and my beloved Cubs were out of the playoffs and the temperature dropped so that I had to wear shoes with toes all week long, I rested and unwound. Which is what I am about to do now.
P.S. I dedicate this post to Jen G., who has probably given up on me when it comes to posting, but will be proud of me nonetheless.
