I need a hero?!

I have never considered myself a feminist. (Stop the groaning and hear me out). I have always thought of myself as an equalitist. Pay me the same amount of money for the same work and give me the same chances and I am a happy camper. Part of me is a bit old fashioned. I like a door opened for me every now and again. I like to bury my head during scary parts of movies. I like to walk down the street holding someone's hand. I like to feel safe and protected. However, it doesn't mean that I am incapable of protecting myself a bit, too.

In my 29 years of life, I have built myself a nice self-protect mode. I can assess a situation and decide if (and how much) I want to invest into it. I can hold enough of myself back to minimize the damage of a broken heart. I can look into someone’s eyes and see whether or not they have good intentions. (Well, most of the time). I can make decisions and take risks. I think that most intelligent and strong women are capable of this.

That being said, what is with men trying to protect me? I am not talking about shielding me from oncoming traffic, I mean protecting me from them. And, I am not the only one. This seems to be a common practice these days. My friend’s boyfriend is about to be deployed. He is pulling the “If I push her away now, she won’t have to grieve later” routine. Nothing more confusing than that--especially for women. We see pain and scary times up ahead and we want to pull our guy closer and keep him safe. They see potential danger and they want to push us out of the way before anything happens.

I understand the basic need in them. Guys are protectors. They think that if they can keep us away from this (sometimes imaginary) potential hurt, then we won't get hurt. They don't see that the pushing away piece is the part that hurts the most. No matter how much a guy thinks he is protecting us from potential future hurt, he is hurting us in the present and that is sharper than anything. Men don't realize that a woman can handle whatever comes her way, as long as she knows that she is in his heart (and he in hers).

So, in this situation, what’s a girl to do? Fight or Flight? It almost seems like quiet acceptance is the only answer. She can’t force him to see that she needs him more than his protection of her from him. She is already invested, so flight is still going to break her heart. If he takes his head out of his ass and sees that he is better with a partner and a supporter than alone, great. If he never sees that she can be a hero as much as he can, then the relationship really wasn’t strong enough to survive. Why do I feel like he is protecting himself as much as he is protecting her?

I'll Jump If You Jump

I'm getting ready for my Christmas party, which sounds ridiculous since it is not even Thanksgiving. I realized though that there are a few weekends in December and if you want one before Christmas, you got get the evite out early.

Here is the fun thing about my party....it is the 2nd Annual. People know about it. They were there last year. I polled them this year about what date worked best for people. And yet, I have 4 RSVP's (including myself), 7 Maybes and a few that I knew were going to be No's. The evite has been out for a few days. Granted, the party is a month away. Sometimes people don't know their schedules. However, most of the people on this guest list are planning on being there. They just don't want the social implications of RSVP'ing too soon.

My friend Nic was the big girl that RSVP'd first. Thanks for being brave! Phylisa was 2nd on the list. Both women are from my professional life. Elaine was the first friend to RSVP and she did it knowing that the party is being held on moving day. The rest of the friends are sitting in limbo. Planning on coming, but waiting for others to respond first. The funny thing is that they check the evite daily. I wonder if they realize that every time you open an evite, it marks the date. Yes, that's right all you evite scopers, I know this is a daily ritual. Don't worry. Someone will soon Jump in the fire...then you can all follow. (Well, that is everyone but one of my closest friends, who told me that he would need to wait to see what his plans were and let me know. Glad to know how I rate...but that is an entry for another day).

Habitat! Woo? Cubs! Woo?

Last night Jen, Jen 2.0 (as she is sometimes affectionately known) and I went to a benefit for Habitat for Humanity hosted by the Wicked Cast. It was supposed to be an evening of entertainment with the cast singing their favorite songs. Given that we love Wicked, a good show and a great cause, we all decided it would be fun to go. Below, in no particular order, are my bulletted observations:

* One of the only songs I recognized, Bobby McGee, was performed by Ashley. Who turned out to be a guy with a great voice, but a spastic ADD-like bouncing knee.

* The best performer of the night (well, really of the first act, since that is how long we stayed) was the set carpenter. He had a beautiful voice and sang in tribute to New Orleans and Habitat for Humanity.

* A love story in three acts makes no sense...even when there is a tutu involved.

*A bunch of people dressed like Fosse dancers...do I need to say anything more?!?

* In no way, shape or form did I think that I would see Ronnie "Woo Woo" Wickers wearing his uniform at this benefit. Though the show was iffy, that was worth the entrance fee.

And nothing is rhyming, oh Mandy

I'm not sure that I have ever met a girl who has bragged about attending 3 Barry Manilow concerts with her fiancé in the past year. Um, Katie – I mean Kate – seeing any warning signs yet?

Operation Million Cup

This is a bit of a repeat entry, but with the holidays coming up, I thought it was the perfect time to participate in this program. You can visit Boca Java's Operation Million Cup directly from this page.

From bocajava.com:

Boca Java has been supporting our troops for almost two years by sending coffee abroad to our troops. They are doing a great job for us and we want to provide them with a little taste of home!

In the spirit of making this a special project, we have set a goal of donating one million (1,000,000) cups of coffee between our July introduction and December 31, 2005. We know it is a lofty goal, but with all of your help we can do it! To formalize this, we are naming this OPERATION MILLION CUP.

For every bag of coffee you donate, Boca Java will match the donation by sending an equivalent bag of coffee.

In addition, we are providing the coffee for donation at a discounted price of $4 per 8 oz. bag. For just $4 you can send 60 cups of delicious coffee!

They do so much for us, this is a way for you and Boca Java to give something back to them together!

Know a troop stationed abroad that would like to receive some coffee? email us the name, mailing address and email address to coffeeforthetroops@bocajava.com.

Proud to Be An American

After photography class tonight (another fun filled evening of test strips and contact sheets), I stopped by the local pub for a cocktail. Though it was Amateur Night at the OK Corral, I sat down and ordered a drink and began chatting with friends. We have a bar regular, Dave, that is a Vietnam Veteran. He comes in a few times a week, drinks a coke and then tonic water and then rolls to a blues bar. He is a sweet guy and I love talking to him. He reminds me a lot of my dad.

On his way out tonight, we wished him a Happy Veteran's Day. He stopped and thanked us and we struck up a conversation about his time in the service. Dave was there the same time that my dad was there. (In fact, I swear that they were in the same places). He told us a few stories about c-rations, battles and wounds received. It was phenomenal to sit in the presence of living history and hear views from an eyewitness. The more he talked, the more I was appreciative of his service and in awe of his efforts. Like my dad, he didn't necessarily want to go, but he did and he served our country proudly.

So, on this Veteran's Day, I say thank you to all those who have served our country. Regardless of the war and the reasons for it, I am proud of every man and woman who has donned a uniform in service of the USA. I thank you for the freedoms that you defend and the honor with which you defend them. Personally, I would like to thank my dad and the countless members within our family who have fought in every war this nation has ever fought. Thanks to Dave, for his service and for reminding me of the importance of taking a moment to remember and give thanks to those who served. Thanks to Kelly's (my best friend) husband, Greg, who is currently serving in Iraq--may he and all his fellow comrades be kept safe and may they come home soon. Thanks to my first crush and close friend, Jimmy, who has proudly served in the Navy for as long as I can remember. Thank you to the countless men and women that are in the service today. You are the reason that I am proud to be an American.

I would like to pay a special tribute to my friend Mary's father, George Schutter, a proud Marine until the day he passed away. The Schutter Family parade on the 4th of July was one of my favorite holiday events, because it was a true show of patriotism. Each year the family would gather to celebrate this nation. The parade—which evolved from a few people banging pots and pans to 30-40 people, waving flags, singing songs and pulling floats—was my favorite part. It was a stroll around the neighborhood like you have never seen before, as people came out to watch the celebration. I loved that I could be there for it and walk in the parade as an honorary member of the family. My greatest honor was the year that Mr. Schutter gave me the American Flag to carry in the parade. Knowing how he felt about America, the flag and the Marines made me swell with pride. I walked proudly and carefully along the route and cherished every step. Sadly, and way too soon, Mr. Schutter passed away this summer. His family lost a wonderful husband, father, grandfather and this country lost a beloved patriot and proud veteran. I want to thank him for his service and devotion. He exemplified all that is good about this country and our servicemen and women. Semper Fi, Mr. Schutter! Semper Fi!

Happy Veteran’s Day!

Wake Up In The Morning, Feeling Shy and Lonely...

My best friend and I were talking tonight about all the crazy things in our lives. What I love about her is that she knows all my crazy stories and still calls me on a regular basis. It is a rare thing to have in life.

Kel and I have known each other since we were 14. She was there for all the bad high school hair-dos, crushes and drama. She has been an honorary sister to me (and daughter to my parents) since she played Beck in her bedroom and got kicked out of her house. She has gotten me through dating dry-spells, confusing guy situations and more than a few bad break-ups. As for me, I took her in after my 18th birthday (and after her parents had asked her to leave); I helped her packed her things as she set off to college in Davenport; I took her to Willow on Wagner for her 20th birthday and got her really drunk--fortuitous, since on her 21st birthday, she was pregnant with her daughter Maddie; I was there for her wedding (and sadly, her divorce). We share a love of the Cubs, Bears, U2, beers, corny 80s movies (Jake Ryan) and corny Junior High dramas like "Degrassi Junior High."

It was in the midst of us trying to talk out the most recent crisis to cross our paths when she said the following: "Side note -- do you have the Noggin channel?" That in and of itself was kind of strange. I told her that I did and she mentioned Degrassi Junior High was on it. I knew this. I had (I admit this is sad) seen some of the new episodes -- the ones where Snake is principle and Emma (Spike's daughter) is in Junior High. Oh, but there is so much more she said. They play the old ones. The ones that we used to watch. Really? Yep. She has them set to Tivo. And so with that, I went to Tivo and ordered a Season's Pass for Degrassi Junior High. I had instant gratification, since they have aired 2 episodes in the last 24 hours. You may think this is silly of me, but I learned about life from Degrassi.

Saved By the Bell was the fluff (well, except for the "Just Say No" episode and the one where Jesse "I'm So Excited" Spano is addicted to caffeine pills), Degrassi tackled the big issues. They talked about pregnancy and racism and drugs and friendships and sex and all the things that we faced when we were younger. I grew up with the kids in Degrassi. I wonder where they are now?!?

Toys 'R' Us Kid

I was thinking the other day about how I am 29 years old. 29. When I was a little girl, 23 was old and 29 was downright over-the-hill. Of course, I always thought, that by now I would have so much more than I do. I don’t mean things…cars, houses, TVs…a savings account. I mean, I thought that I would have so much more knowledge of life, happiness and love; I thought that I would have a partner and maybe even a child. Really, I thought that I would feel differently than I do. I still feel timid and confused and shy and unsure. I still hear someone compliment me and want to refute it. I have a hard time seeing myself the way that others see me. I look at 17 year olds and I think that they are so much more together than I am…

This makes me wonder. When do I start to feel like it is all coming together? I believe that the partner will eventually cross my path. (I believe that I will know it when I see it. He will be the guy that cherishes me and challenges me.) I want to know when I start to feel like a grown-up? I started making a list of things that seemed grown-up and responsible to me. I asked friends to add their thoughts. Here is a partial list…I am hoping that people will chime in with more thoughts…

1. Starting a Savings Account.
2. Getting your first manicure / pedicure.
3. Buying your first suit.
4. Getting a passport.
5. Balancing your checkbook.
6. Buying a piece of furniture that you don’t have to assemble.
7. Hiring movers.
8. Buying a bottle of wine (or several) with dinner.
9. Picking up the tab on a meal with friends.
10. Having an apartment (not a studio) and no roommates.
11. Taking a vacation for no reason.
12. Buying a box of condoms on your own.
13. Taking a class just to learn something new.
14. Getting rid of your twin bed.
15. Having a party without a keg.
16. Throwing your first dinner party.
17. Going out for one and having it be only one.
18. Having a date pick you up for dinner and a movie.
19. Having a 401(k) and buying stock separate from your 401(k).
20. Having a rainy day fund.
21. Managing a budget.
22. Buying a nice piece of jewelry for yourself. (i.e. diamond earrings)
23. Standing up for something you believe in.
24. Finding the friend that knows all your skeletons.
25. Taking a leap of faith in love.

How to Seduce a Woman in Five Songs or Less

Talking about songs led to the inevitable conversation about 'seduction' songs and the best songs for it. It was decided that rather than overt sexuality, seduction music should be sensual--a kiss that lightly brushes your lips. Like any good orchestration, it should start out slowly and crescendo...

Sweet Jane (Cowboy Junkies -- Natural Born Killers Intro)
Fade Into You (Mazzy Star)
As Long As You’re Mine* (Wicked)
Possession (Sarah McLachlan)
Release (Pearl Jam)

*It is the urgency that makes this song good, but it needs to be stripped of the orchestra / stage feel and instead was accompanied by simple instruments.

Side Note: I kept thinking that there was a seductive Dave Matthews song (which seemed to be completely oxy-moronic). I knew it wasn’t Crash, because that was a bit blatant. Natalie thought I was crazy. I remembered it this morning: “Lover Lay Down.” Now, if we could just get Bono to sing it….

I went in seeking clarity.

It was a pretty slow night for a Monday at the local tavern. Aside from my friend, Natalie, there was a drunken Englishman and a bunch of strange faces. In order to entertain ourselves, we started talking about songs and what are favorite songs would be. We tasked ourselves with identifying our 5 favorite songs of all time.

Of course, as we were writing, we added stipulations, such as "...these are really the songs that speak to me now, not necessarily my all-time favorite." and "...I love these songs, but there are more that I would add...” And so, we came up with 5 songs that are important to us for whatever reason.

My 5 Songs

With or Without You (U2): Aside from being U2, this song has always been haunting and hopeful to me. It is in my will (a paper that I wrote and gave to my mom, before I had surgery) that it will be played at my funeral.

Romeo and Juliet (Dire Straits): I like the Indigo Girls version of this as well, but there is something matter-of-fact about Dire Straits' version. It tells the story in a "looking back with regret" way.

Joking (Indigo Girls): Most Indigo Girls' songs tell a great story. I love this song for the following lines: "...you said good friends are hard to come by i laughed and bought you a beer 'cause it's too corny to cry..."

Out to Get You (James): I can't explain this song. It is insecurity and a fear of being lonely and the search for you.

Leaving on a Jet Plane (Peter, Paul and Mary): My dad wants to be rolled out of the church to this song. It came out the year my parents met and has always been a part of their life. As a kid, we were forced to go to PP&M concerts every summer at Ravinia. It grows on you.

Pin Me, please

There was this article in the Red Eye today about a guy wanting to go back to 1950s-style dating. He talked about the simplicity of it all. There was no gray area between dating and non-dating. There were no friends with benefits, booty calls, drunk-dials and the term seeing each other referred only to actually having someone in view. There were no rules for girls to follow or sex in the city.

I think it would be nice to go back in time to a place in which you knew you were with someone because you wore his pin.