Awhile back, a high school friend sent me one of the best notes I have ever received. He said that he enjoyed my writing (something that I am always insecure about) and he encouraged me to continue. This was crazy on so many levels. A) I was pretty sure that I was writing for the great void that is the world wide web. B) I am my own worst enemy when it comes to critiques, so I tend to think I am a blathering idiot whenever I write. It seems, at least in my friend's eyes, I am wrong on both accounts. Humbled and honored by this note, I should say that I repaid his kindness by not blogging a thing for the last several weeks. In my pathetic defense, I was trying to finish up a class for school that can only be referred to as my kryptonite. Never has learning made me want to poke my eyes out more. While I learned a lot in the class and am so happy to have (successfully) completed it, the greatest lesson of all is that I will not become a copyright lawyer. At least not in this lifetime. Holy cannoli, that stuff was painful.
Though I started a new class today, I figured that I owed my friend and myself some needless ramblings about life.
In approximately five weeks, I am about to become an aunt for the first time. I have been counting down to this event with more enthusiasm than I have counted down to anything. Though this little baby will not be my child, I can already feel that I love her more than anything. It is strange to be so excited over someone you have never met. It has been an honor to watch my sister blossom throughout this pregnancy, even when her legs swelled up and like memory foam and the alien baby was poking out of her belly. As far as I am concerned, February can't get here fast enough!
Christmas is my favorite time of year. I throw a Christmas party every year. In my dreams, this is a classy affair with good food, fancy cocktails, well-dressed friends and old-fashioned fun. With my friend's that is not really the case at all, as things like Franzia-stands (think keg stand with a bladder of boxed wine) and Fan Ball (involving a waffle ball and my living room ceiling fan) seem to always happen. This year, it was drinking shots out of an inflatable sheep. Please don't make me explain that one any further! In all that craziness though, friends from all walks of my life come together to celebrate my favorite holiday and that really is all I have ever wanted for Christmas.
If you're still reading, the next several sentences will seem like an about face, but I have a little venting to do. I have a friend, well, actually it seems right now, he's not my friend….it is hard to keep track, since he turns on a dime. Let's start at the beginning….way back when, I was friend's with a girl. For the purposes of this story, we shall call her Zee. Zee was dating my friend and friends with another guy, whom we will call Mr. S. Because of my friendship with Zee, I got to know and become good friends with Mr. S. It got to a place in which I was always hanging out with Mr. S, in a friend way. (I feel that I should clarify, because this dilemma has nothing to do with romantic feelings – at least not between me and Mr. S – or me and Zee for that matter!) Back on track, I had another female friend, we shall call her Daisy who was friends with all of the aforementioned characters. In some strange way, I found myself in a Huey, Louie and Dewey trio with Mr. S and Daisy. Until Mr. S had a thing for Daisy and they decided to try each other on – on the sly of course.
I went through this lonely transition of having lost my partners-in-crime, as well as an awkward place in which neither of them were being very honest with any of our friends about their current foray into each other. This went on for forever and then some. I finally confronted Mr. S about the relationship that wasn't at a Halloween Party – 9 months into the chaos. Of course this made things harder for me, as I now had confirmed a lot of truth from Mr. S and had to deal with the hurt of having Daisy not be honest with me. That stung, as Daisy and I have been friends for a long time. Fast forward a year, same old same old – still a DL relationship, only now Mr. S is pissed at me, because I am a lousy friend to Daisy. I confess, I wasn't always there for her during this time, but she constantly had plans with Mr. S, I was feeling monumentally excluded and I was frustrated, because I knew there was something going on, but Daisy wouldn't talk about it. Mr. S tried to blacklist me, talking a lot of crap about me and attempting to omit me from things. It was a delightful time in my life. I should mention that during this time, I had told Mr. S a bunch of times that I didn't think this relationship was good for either him or Daisy. I initially thought they were good for each other, but over time, thought they should both cut their loses and find some real happiness.
Anyway, Mr. S would say some lovely things about me to all of our mutual friends – apparently missing the idea that they then told me. It was a lovely return to high school. Actually, nope, people in high school didn't act this ridiculously immature. It continued until Mr. S and Daisy went down in a blaze of glory. Their relationship imploding early this summer. Suddenly, I was Mr. S's friend again. The voice of reason. The loyal friend. I fielded multiple calls / texts a day, doling out support and sage advice. Trying to be the shoulder of support. I listened. I reassured. I said all the right things. I tried to do this in the face of feeling truly uncomfortable, because in his anger he was cruelly bashing a friend of mine. Daisy and I may have drifted, but she was still a friend. For that, I tried to listen to both sides (the worst kept secret, finally not a secret anymore) and stay as Switzerland. You can imagine that it didn't really work that way.
I eventually became uncomfortable with Mr. S's trash-talking of Daisy. Daisy and I were working on our friendship and being on the listening end of Mr. S's anger made me feel disloyal. I also thought all that venom was a bit toxic to say the least. And so I said to Mr. S one day, maybe he should stop exhausting himself with all this anger and move on toward better things in his life. This advice was, of course, met with juvenile anger and me being blacklisted again by Mr. S. Hilariously, I have been called "Team Daisy" now, as if we are tweens in Twilight-ville. The only difference in this blacklisting, is that I feel that I am losing friends in the process. Well, at least one in Zee. (Did you forget about her after all this drivel?) Zee and I had gotten really close over the years. I would venture to have called her one of my closest friends. Until the Mr. S debacle of August 2010. Then she staunchly went to Team Mr. S. With him blacklisting me, it seems that I lost Zee in the divorce. Which is weird, since I wasn't even in the crazy relationship with Mr. S (I now think the S stands for S&*#storm.) I don't think it is intentional. But, since she hangs out with him on the weekends, because he is sad and lonely (aka pathetic and needy) and he won't acknowledge me anymore, it makes it so that I never see her.
I don't care about losing Mr. S. I have come to the realization that he is an immature, selfish a$$. His on-again, off-again (when-I-feel-like-it) friendship is nothing I need in my life anymore. I'd feel bad about saying that, but he has trashed talked me to anyone who will listen for so long, that quite frankly, I think it is my right to respond. And to be honest, this is a safe space for me. Mr. S's concern is for himself only. I am positive he doesn't even know this blog exists. But I do miss Zee and I am not a fan of the fact that I never see her. I wonder if she misses me at all?!
Ok. Ranting complete. Needed to get it all out, so I can purge it. 2011 will be different. No more high school drama. I have been out of high school for half my life. I have no desire to continue to channel the childishness.
