To you I'm a toy

When I was in high school, I worked at an outdoor concert venue. Some days I would work the front gate passing out programs and garbage bags. I remember working one day at the gate and seeing this guy standing on the steps in front of the theatre that is by the main gate. He had a blanket, a bottle of wine and food for two. I remember sneaking glances at him – he was super-cute (to my hormonal, teenage, 16-year-old self) and he was just standing by himself staring into the crowd. It was a bit intriguing.

I am sure that he was searching for the person that he was supposed to meet. He stood there for hours – watching everyone that came in the gate. I felt bad for him as the time ticked by. And then it started to rain. (I couldn’t make this up if I tried.)

It rained steadily for a while and I watched this poor guy salvage his things and move under a semi-protective awning. And still he stood waiting.

I kept thinking about the person he was waiting for – Was she running late? Did he get his gates crossed? Did she stand him up? How did it come to be that he was standing there alone?

I stared at Mr. Cute boy and his soggy picnic and wondered who could do that to someone? Who could plan something with someone and then not show? Who bails with no explanation? I couldn’t imagine how someone finds himself in that kind of situation.

Until a few weeks ago, when I stood on the same precipice. I saw something seemingly good vanish into thin air. I can’t really pinpoint when it happened. Actually, that’s not really true. I am pretty perceptive when it comes to bad things happening in my life. I could feel the tides turning a bit, but couldn’t really figure out why and continued to hope that for once, I was wrong. Turns out, I wasn’t.

And here’s what frustrates me the most:

It was the unceremonious blow-off – there was no explanation. Not even an obnoxiously inappropriate, “it’s not you, it’s me” text message. Nothing. I got an article of clothing as collateral for the promise of a right and proper date. Of course, I never got the date and I am now stuck with article of clothing trying to figure out what the hell to do with it.

This person purported himself to be the honest kind. We had lengthy conversations of past interactions and relationships and hurts. We talked about the things that drove us crazy – people who cheat, people who are dishonest…. I mean it is all too cliché that he became the guy who vanished.

The worst is that he filled my head and heart with possibilities. He made me think that this was something meaningful and true. He made me believe that I was something he had been looking for. (God, in writing, it sounds like I am living my very own U2 soundtrack).

But now I sit here wondering silently to myself about the person who did this to me. Who bails with no explanation? Did I get my gates crossed? How did it come to be that I am standing here alone?

Author's Note: Just wanted to say that while this entry is dark, I am okay. Don't want any of my friends that read this to worry about me. As always, life moves forward and so do I.