I have never considered myself a feminist. (Stop the groaning and hear me out). I have always thought of myself as an equalitist. Pay me the same amount of money for the same work and give me the same chances and I am a happy camper. Part of me is a bit old fashioned. I like a door opened for me every now and again. I like to bury my head during scary parts of movies. I like to walk down the street holding someone's hand. I like to feel safe and protected. However, it doesn't mean that I am incapable of protecting myself a bit, too.
In my 29 years of life, I have built myself a nice self-protect mode. I can assess a situation and decide if (and how much) I want to invest into it. I can hold enough of myself back to minimize the damage of a broken heart. I can look into someone’s eyes and see whether or not they have good intentions. (Well, most of the time). I can make decisions and take risks. I think that most intelligent and strong women are capable of this.
That being said, what is with men trying to protect me? I am not talking about shielding me from oncoming traffic, I mean protecting me from them. And, I am not the only one. This seems to be a common practice these days. My friend’s boyfriend is about to be deployed. He is pulling the “If I push her away now, she won’t have to grieve later” routine. Nothing more confusing than that--especially for women. We see pain and scary times up ahead and we want to pull our guy closer and keep him safe. They see potential danger and they want to push us out of the way before anything happens.
I understand the basic need in them. Guys are protectors. They think that if they can keep us away from this (sometimes imaginary) potential hurt, then we won't get hurt. They don't see that the pushing away piece is the part that hurts the most. No matter how much a guy thinks he is protecting us from potential future hurt, he is hurting us in the present and that is sharper than anything. Men don't realize that a woman can handle whatever comes her way, as long as she knows that she is in his heart (and he in hers).
So, in this situation, what’s a girl to do? Fight or Flight? It almost seems like quiet acceptance is the only answer. She can’t force him to see that she needs him more than his protection of her from him. She is already invested, so flight is still going to break her heart. If he takes his head out of his ass and sees that he is better with a partner and a supporter than alone, great. If he never sees that she can be a hero as much as he can, then the relationship really wasn’t strong enough to survive. Why do I feel like he is protecting himself as much as he is protecting her?
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