There is this guy that I have liked for awhile. Dare I say, I have had a bit of a crush on him for years. Why, you ask, have I had a thing for someone for years and not done anything about it? Well, that's my MO. I crush from afar. It is easier to carry a little torch for someone than to actually put your self out there and into the pursuit. It's safer.
I like to think that I am bold and brave, but really, I am a coward. I don't like the idea of rejection. I flirt, but I don't really put myself out there. Really out there. Instead, I put on a bravado, smack talk a bit, become the sassy girl that calls it like she's sees it and stay safely hidden in my shell. And I wonder why my girlfriends get dates--even the crazy ones, while I am left drinking beer with the boys.
What I don't know how to do is fix it. How do you come out from behind the shell and fearlessly flirt? Without alcohol...(anyone can fearlessly flirt with alcohol...when in doubt, you trump the "drunk idiot" card, thereby excusing any rejection you may have received.) How come some girls (even the crazy, scary ones) can attract a guy every time and maintain his interest?
I usually attract the guy (though often, I am too clueless to realize it), but then I put on my strong face and the next thing I know, said guy is searching for tipsy bimbo. My friend advised me once to trump the bimbo card -- it works, but I don't want to get the guy that way. I don't want to force myself to be something I am not. So, how do I maintain myself, my opinions and my being, without turning into the scary, fem-nazi girl that intimidates guys? Is there a balance? Are there guys out there that want the pretty, smart, feisty, intriguing, fun-loving, slightly-flawed girl? That's a silly question. I know that there are...I just need to figure out how to approach them...
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Seriously Long Overdue
I'm back. I won't say better than ever, but I am back. I am sorry that there has been such a dry spell. It is weird though. The holidays got so busy and messy that I didn't have time to write. And then, my blog became the person I never called. You know, the one you meant to call, but didn't and then too much time elapses and you are too embarrassed to call -- even though you want to...and so you hide a bit and hope the person doesn't recognize you on the street.
So many times, I thought of things to say, but then I thought, how can I post now? No one is reading anymore. My blog-junkie friends have stopped nagging me about posting. They have given up on me. I would have too.
So, here we are...2 months and 7 days later...I am going to wipe the slate clean and begin writing again. Mostly, because I miss it. I miss this avenue of communication, even if it is only with myself.
So, I am back. I'm sorry I stayed away for so long. I am going to try and be more reliable.
So many times, I thought of things to say, but then I thought, how can I post now? No one is reading anymore. My blog-junkie friends have stopped nagging me about posting. They have given up on me. I would have too.
So, here we are...2 months and 7 days later...I am going to wipe the slate clean and begin writing again. Mostly, because I miss it. I miss this avenue of communication, even if it is only with myself.
So, I am back. I'm sorry I stayed away for so long. I am going to try and be more reliable.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Hiatus
I'm back! Sorry to have been gone for so long. Sort of got swept up by the holidays and work of all things. I don't even know where to start to try and catch up. Here is a short summary of the last few weeks:
Thanksgiving: As always, my mom makes the best meal ever. This year's turkey topped off at 29.2 pounds. We had all the fixings, 4 pies and my dad's Brandy Alexanders. It was a perfect day.
Day after Thanksgiving Traditionally, my mom, aunt, sister and I go shopping on this day. This year was no exception. We braved the crowds, avoided the sales rack cat fights and had a lot of fun. It was a good start to the season.
With Thanksgiving out of the way, it's been full blown Christmas-mode ever since. I have spent the last few days cleaning and decorating for my Christmas Cocktail party. It should be a fun time -- good food, good drinks and great friends. I have been planning and decorating and prepping like a mad-woman. Only drama is that I am currently the storage unit for my friends' wedding gifts. It is looking like the boxes may form another buffet table.
Thanksgiving: As always, my mom makes the best meal ever. This year's turkey topped off at 29.2 pounds. We had all the fixings, 4 pies and my dad's Brandy Alexanders. It was a perfect day.
Day after Thanksgiving Traditionally, my mom, aunt, sister and I go shopping on this day. This year was no exception. We braved the crowds, avoided the sales rack cat fights and had a lot of fun. It was a good start to the season.
With Thanksgiving out of the way, it's been full blown Christmas-mode ever since. I have spent the last few days cleaning and decorating for my Christmas Cocktail party. It should be a fun time -- good food, good drinks and great friends. I have been planning and decorating and prepping like a mad-woman. Only drama is that I am currently the storage unit for my friends' wedding gifts. It is looking like the boxes may form another buffet table.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
I need a hero?!
I have never considered myself a feminist. (Stop the groaning and hear me out). I have always thought of myself as an equalitist. Pay me the same amount of money for the same work and give me the same chances and I am a happy camper. Part of me is a bit old fashioned. I like a door opened for me every now and again. I like to bury my head during scary parts of movies. I like to walk down the street holding someone's hand. I like to feel safe and protected. However, it doesn't mean that I am incapable of protecting myself a bit, too.
In my 29 years of life, I have built myself a nice self-protect mode. I can assess a situation and decide if (and how much) I want to invest into it. I can hold enough of myself back to minimize the damage of a broken heart. I can look into someone’s eyes and see whether or not they have good intentions. (Well, most of the time). I can make decisions and take risks. I think that most intelligent and strong women are capable of this.
That being said, what is with men trying to protect me? I am not talking about shielding me from oncoming traffic, I mean protecting me from them. And, I am not the only one. This seems to be a common practice these days. My friend’s boyfriend is about to be deployed. He is pulling the “If I push her away now, she won’t have to grieve later” routine. Nothing more confusing than that--especially for women. We see pain and scary times up ahead and we want to pull our guy closer and keep him safe. They see potential danger and they want to push us out of the way before anything happens.
I understand the basic need in them. Guys are protectors. They think that if they can keep us away from this (sometimes imaginary) potential hurt, then we won't get hurt. They don't see that the pushing away piece is the part that hurts the most. No matter how much a guy thinks he is protecting us from potential future hurt, he is hurting us in the present and that is sharper than anything. Men don't realize that a woman can handle whatever comes her way, as long as she knows that she is in his heart (and he in hers).
So, in this situation, what’s a girl to do? Fight or Flight? It almost seems like quiet acceptance is the only answer. She can’t force him to see that she needs him more than his protection of her from him. She is already invested, so flight is still going to break her heart. If he takes his head out of his ass and sees that he is better with a partner and a supporter than alone, great. If he never sees that she can be a hero as much as he can, then the relationship really wasn’t strong enough to survive. Why do I feel like he is protecting himself as much as he is protecting her?
In my 29 years of life, I have built myself a nice self-protect mode. I can assess a situation and decide if (and how much) I want to invest into it. I can hold enough of myself back to minimize the damage of a broken heart. I can look into someone’s eyes and see whether or not they have good intentions. (Well, most of the time). I can make decisions and take risks. I think that most intelligent and strong women are capable of this.
That being said, what is with men trying to protect me? I am not talking about shielding me from oncoming traffic, I mean protecting me from them. And, I am not the only one. This seems to be a common practice these days. My friend’s boyfriend is about to be deployed. He is pulling the “If I push her away now, she won’t have to grieve later” routine. Nothing more confusing than that--especially for women. We see pain and scary times up ahead and we want to pull our guy closer and keep him safe. They see potential danger and they want to push us out of the way before anything happens.
I understand the basic need in them. Guys are protectors. They think that if they can keep us away from this (sometimes imaginary) potential hurt, then we won't get hurt. They don't see that the pushing away piece is the part that hurts the most. No matter how much a guy thinks he is protecting us from potential future hurt, he is hurting us in the present and that is sharper than anything. Men don't realize that a woman can handle whatever comes her way, as long as she knows that she is in his heart (and he in hers).
So, in this situation, what’s a girl to do? Fight or Flight? It almost seems like quiet acceptance is the only answer. She can’t force him to see that she needs him more than his protection of her from him. She is already invested, so flight is still going to break her heart. If he takes his head out of his ass and sees that he is better with a partner and a supporter than alone, great. If he never sees that she can be a hero as much as he can, then the relationship really wasn’t strong enough to survive. Why do I feel like he is protecting himself as much as he is protecting her?
I'll Jump If You Jump
I'm getting ready for my Christmas party, which sounds ridiculous since it is not even Thanksgiving. I realized though that there are a few weekends in December and if you want one before Christmas, you got get the evite out early.
Here is the fun thing about my party....it is the 2nd Annual. People know about it. They were there last year. I polled them this year about what date worked best for people. And yet, I have 4 RSVP's (including myself), 7 Maybes and a few that I knew were going to be No's. The evite has been out for a few days. Granted, the party is a month away. Sometimes people don't know their schedules. However, most of the people on this guest list are planning on being there. They just don't want the social implications of RSVP'ing too soon.
My friend Nic was the big girl that RSVP'd first. Thanks for being brave! Phylisa was 2nd on the list. Both women are from my professional life. Elaine was the first friend to RSVP and she did it knowing that the party is being held on moving day. The rest of the friends are sitting in limbo. Planning on coming, but waiting for others to respond first. The funny thing is that they check the evite daily. I wonder if they realize that every time you open an evite, it marks the date. Yes, that's right all you evite scopers, I know this is a daily ritual. Don't worry. Someone will soon Jump in the fire...then you can all follow. (Well, that is everyone but one of my closest friends, who told me that he would need to wait to see what his plans were and let me know. Glad to know how I rate...but that is an entry for another day).
Here is the fun thing about my party....it is the 2nd Annual. People know about it. They were there last year. I polled them this year about what date worked best for people. And yet, I have 4 RSVP's (including myself), 7 Maybes and a few that I knew were going to be No's. The evite has been out for a few days. Granted, the party is a month away. Sometimes people don't know their schedules. However, most of the people on this guest list are planning on being there. They just don't want the social implications of RSVP'ing too soon.
My friend Nic was the big girl that RSVP'd first. Thanks for being brave! Phylisa was 2nd on the list. Both women are from my professional life. Elaine was the first friend to RSVP and she did it knowing that the party is being held on moving day. The rest of the friends are sitting in limbo. Planning on coming, but waiting for others to respond first. The funny thing is that they check the evite daily. I wonder if they realize that every time you open an evite, it marks the date. Yes, that's right all you evite scopers, I know this is a daily ritual. Don't worry. Someone will soon Jump in the fire...then you can all follow. (Well, that is everyone but one of my closest friends, who told me that he would need to wait to see what his plans were and let me know. Glad to know how I rate...but that is an entry for another day).
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