In the darkest hour of the night, you find daylight

I was watching TV the other day and one of the characters had a “Live Like You Were Dying” list. It got me thinking about how often I say that is my philosophy. In high school, I wanted to YAWP along with the Dead Poet’s Society, suck the marrow out of life and carpe every diem.

In college, I was obsessed with this Irish Blessing:

May you work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt, and
Dance like no one is watching.

Since Leon died, I have said time and again that I am won’t waste time. I won’t fear life. I won’t worry about pain and heartache. I was going to follow my heart, not my head. Tell those around me how I feel. Seize each moment and enjoy it.

Usually though, I am the over-thinker. The one who worries about hurting someone or being hurt. The one who analyzes every conversation and carefully words everything –even texts – for fear of saying the wrong thing.

I feel like every few months, I say that I am going to change. I say that I am going to attack the world and be brave. That I am going to trust myself and my feelings and risk being hurt, but then I always seem to hold myself back.

I got a little bit better when I turned 30. I let myself go a bit. Stopped worrying about public persona so much and started having fun. (I have Nat to thank for that.) That being said, I wouldn’t say that I am daring. Even in the year deemed “Go Bold or Go Cold,” I think that I have been wearing an extra sweater or two.

And now it is Ash Wednesday and you are wondering why that matters? But long ago a priest told me that Lent is about making a change in your life for the better. He said that for some people, that is giving something up, but it doesn’t have to be. (I like the way he thinks). He said that sometimes it is taking an hour each day and reading or reflecting or volunteering – something that has a positive impact on your life.

So for me, aside from meatless Fridays, trying to bring my lunch / workout few times a week and giving up my snooze button (more on that later), I am going to be bolder. I am going to approach someone who intrigues me without worry of rejection, because rejection happens sometimes. I am going to not put myself down in light of a compliment, because I think that I am a pretty good person and deserving of kind words. I am going to be honest with people, but be kind in my honesty. I am going to break the conventional rules of dating and male / female interaction and not worry about appropriate number of days and whatnot, because I believe that none of that matters if there is a mutual like involved.

I am also going to tell the guy that went MIA (in plain sight) that he doesn’t get to do that without knowing that it stings a bit. He doesn’t get to be off the hook that easily. He certainly doesn’t get to make me believe in his sincerity and then bail without notice. That is item # 1 on my Live Like You Were Dying list. What’s yours?