When I was 23, one of my best friends passed away suddenly. When Leon died, I wasn't sure I would be able to breathe again, let alone get on with my life. He was the first person that I talked to in the morning, the person I emailed all day long and the last person that I talked to before I went to bed. We talked about everything and nothing. Part of me had a bit of a crush on him, but all of me loved him and the friendship we had. When he died, my heart broke.
As with everything painful, the pain began to subside. Each day, it was a little easier to wake up and go about my life. Except in one area -- dating. For whatever reason, after Leon died, I lost my mojo. I used to joke that he had taken it with him. It seems that soon after, I stopped having confidence in myself and my attractiveness. It's hard to explain, but I lost my confidence.
I have become very cynical about the whole thing. I believe happily ever after. I watch every chick flick and cry at the happy endings. I just wonder how it will ever happen for me. I'm not sure why I'm like this. From what I have been told, I am beautiful. I know that I am smart and kind. Why don't I have more confidence? Whenever I find myself in a situation involving a guy, especially one that I like, it is like I am 6 years old again and on the playground vying for attention. He can tell me that I am beautiful and make overtures to be with me and in the back of my mind, I am waiting for the bottom to drop.
My friends will read this and think that I am crazy. I know that's what I think! Logically, I know that I am a fine catch. It's just there is nothing logical about matters of the heart.
1 comment:
Hmmm.. When I read that self loaving drivle I wonder what Leon would be thinking if he was forced to read such nonesence.
You need to remain within yourself. Continue to challenge these pretenders. Eventually someone will see that you are worth the challenge and step up. I know that Leon thought you were worth that kind of effort and I have always thought that of you as well.
Laughing loudly now.. becasue im about to get corny.. If love were easy wouldnt everyone be in it.
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